I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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