thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
