Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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