Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
