I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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