Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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