Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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