i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
