The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
