can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
