I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
