I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
