pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
