dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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