i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
