I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
