I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
