WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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