stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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