You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
