Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
