i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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