First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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