4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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