I heard we made out
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
