our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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