he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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