I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
