Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
