worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
