I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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