I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
