I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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