I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
