U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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