if only i could text you this smell
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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