My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
