i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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