i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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