Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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