Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is wine microwaveable?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
