Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
