the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
