I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
