He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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