The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
