Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
