My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
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Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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