I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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