shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
