we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My vagina is officially offended.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
