I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
