If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
