I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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