I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish you could order shots online.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
