my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
PANTIES FOUND
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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