brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
