he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
